Dear Diary, Thanks for the Therapy: A Journaling Adventure

Bullet journals. Rainbow gel pens. Stickers. If you want my opinion, these things give journaling a bad rep. It’s so unattainable. It’s so… pretty. Ack! Not. For. Me. But…

Dagnabbit - love journaling. It’s the most valuable and vital growth tool I have ever encountered. It has been instrumental in my pursuit of becoming the best version of myself, helping me alleviate anxiety, boost productivity, and achieve a better work-life balance. Yes, my handwriting is sloppy - gun to my head, I can't read notes from 2 days ago. Yes, I only use black ink - with maybe some red to smack me upside the head. And yes, I use an iPad instead of a gorg Moleskine. But journaling isn't about the presentation when done my way. It’s about getting everything in here (points to head) out here (points to the world) so it makes sense.

In her book "The Artist's Way," Julie Cameron outlines a technique called Morning Pages. She suggests starting your day by writing three pages of free-form thoughts. Whatever is on your mind. I loved it. When I would write what I needed to do that day, I had an extra spring in my step. That spring turned into a rocket on the days when I wrote about what I was procrastinating about. The answer seemed obvious: taking the first step on whatever it is that you procrastinate has a clearing effect. Procrastination can be a form of blocking. And what caused my blocking boiled down to 3 primary levers: either a fear I had to do this task, a hesitation to do it, or an anxiety around it. As I started journaling around those procrastination levers, I realized that it had the potential to do more: it wasn't just about procrastination. It was about waking up with that feeling you get in the morning where you don't want to go to work. Where you're not motivated. For me, it's like a lead blanket on my upper chest. Thinking deeply about what is causing this, and positing it as a daily question, helped boost me into a productivity stratosphere.

Let's dive into what each of these - fears, hesitations, and anxieties - mean. Fear is just that: something that you are fearful of. Fear is anything scary. What are you scared of today? Do you have a meeting with your boss, and you think she will tear you a new one? That's a fear. Are you scared that your mother is getting subpar care at the nursing home? That your client hates all of your designs? All fears. A hesitation, on the other hand, is more than procrastination. You know you must do it, but you can't take that first step. You hesitate and make excuses. You put your hand out and then pull it back. What are you hesitating to think about or take a step towards? It's when you avoid reconciling your bank accounts or put off fixing that file. And finally, anxiety is a worry. What worries or agitates you today? Are you worried that your child is watching too much YouTube? That your husband will forget to make the car appointment? That you overspent?

Every morning I start my journal with the question, "What fears, hesitations, or anxieties do I have today?" I meditate on where that “lead blanket” feeling is coming from. What's causing it? Just write. Don't censor yourself. Be sloppy. It's ok. It's not meant to be a book for posterity. You're going to throw it away when you're done. You are not “Writing”. This is word vomit. Get it out. And here's where the magic happens: now you can analyze each one (or if you don't have time, tackle the top priority and save the rest for later). They are freed from bouncing around in your monkey brain.

The process of analysis moves you towards creating a plan. And suddenly, that scary thing you haven't been able to do isn't much of a monster. In fact, it's sometimes eerie how quickly you can resolve what seemed to be the most intractable problem. Notice I didn't say "solve." We have no idea if you can solve it. But you need to take that first step. That’s what's causing you all this anxiety, taking that first step. The fact is, maybe your plan won't work. So what? Try another. And if that doesn't work, then try another. Meanwhile, you've moved the wheel inches or feet closer to the goal than if you didn't do anything.

Let's take the example of your mom's subpar care. You write, "I'm scared my mom isn't getting the care that she deserves and that we pay for." After you write it, it seems obvious: "Hey, maybe I should verify if that's true." Ok - so the first step is to verify. And if it is subpar, what does that mean? Is it that her food isn't delivered on time? Or is she routinely ignored and not given her medications or treatment? Ok, let's say that it is the "worst case." Now what? Find another rehab facility. Call her insurance. Do you see where I'm going here? We can break this up into bite-sized chunks, all much easier to work through. We now outline what a "worst-case scenario" is, and, as it turns out, it's manageable. We are outlining and planning the route just in case it is the worst case. But without this journaling device, all of these "what ifs" are floating around in your head, occupying the same priority level. And they're jumbled with life's other "what ifs," like "How will I find the time?" "Work is a hassle," "My kid got a bad grade," "What's for dinner," and so on.

This was where the root of my anxiety was located: I had so much going on. How can I wrap my arms around it? Worse yet: how can I remember all of this? As it turns out, it's not nearly as much to deal with as we talk ourselves into. Our heads want to go to a place of drama. Without writing it down, we're forced to mentally visualize all of this - the tasks, the schedules, the time, the people, the information. No one can do that. But by writing it down, we can free our brains from the memory aspect and jump right into problem-solving.

Journaling works wonders when I do this every day. It evens out daily emotional fluctuations. It allows me to process personal feelings. It has allowed me to make things look easy. Because - and here's the kicker - they really are. Of course, there is a limit - we shouldn't be slaves to "productivity." But journaling also helps keep that in check: I carve out my best work and personal life. Journaling has allowed me to be a better mother and wife, not just an employee. I don't think it's a stretch to say that journaling helps me knit my entire life together so I can view it holistically. You can't do that alone, with ideas and concerns all bumping around your noggin.

I have been able to use journaling to gain insights into myself, enabling me to become both a better work leader and mother. And things I've found through mothering (and journaling) have made me a better work leader. I can keep my values and objectives (which I store at the opening of my digital diary) in the spotlight so they can guide me in tackling any situation I encounter. They're those nagging "you're not doing it right" voices inside my head. Hell, I've been able to analyze those head voices! For example, sometimes that nagging voice would say, "That was stupid - why did you do that?" Through journaling, I asked myself, "Why would I say that to myself?” Going further into it, I quickly found that many of those small voices were a way to protect my emotions from disappointment. But that was rooted in the past. It was a way to temper hope when I was younger, and didn't have as much control over my life. But I've outgrown that. This voice was no longer something that protected me from unearned narcissism. It was now stopping me from developing. Bah. Byeeee.

And the best part? It’s a moment of Deep Work time. An FHA is usually based around something that you need to do. When you dive deep into it, you are simultaneously creating a plan. A good plan. It’s insane how fast you can create this plan. In just those 15 minutes of deep thinking, I could suss out what had felt like intractable problems. A process that would have taken me weeks to create (and, let’s face it, would probably be half-assed) comes through in minutes. Why? Because I asked, “Why.” When you have pen in hand, asking “why" seems much more natural. You're writing. It's a completely different approach than if I were sitting at my computer or even at a whiteboard. 

So how do you get started? Wake up and write for 15 minutes. Morning Pages recommends that it's the first thing that you do. I've found that drinking a cup of coffee and doing a puzzle or reading the news energizes me and gets me prepped up. I'll sit down by myself and journal for about 15 minutes. Sometimes it's shorter; sometimes it's longer. You may have a hard time getting started, but no worries: it's ok not to have anything of consequence to say. But the important thing is: WRITE. I'll write something bland, like "every day, same ol' thing.." (a reference to a Looney Tunes that makes me laugh). I might say, "My son did something so cute," and write that. Next thing I know, I could be plumbing the depths of my psyche. Or maybe not. But do it. Every day. This doesn't work if it's a one-off. It has to be a habit. You build it over and over again. It's like sand on a beach: it starts with one grain.

I don't want to give the impression that profound mental change will happen overnight. I have acquired a lifetime's worth of bad emotional habits. They have to compete with the daily FHAs. But when you make this a habit, you chip away. I have discovered more things about myself. I have learned to love myself. Journaling has allowed me to continue to improve the experiment that is Charlotte. You must commit to the journey to end a lifetime of mental baggage. And the journey of a thousand miles starts with the first step. Then the other. Then the other. That mental baggage? Bah-bye, Felicia…

*I am not a medical professional. This is purely anecdotal and based on my experience only. Please do not take this as prescriptive if you have any health or medical issues. See a professional medical provider.